It's Father's Day in Australia. Our social media feeds are flooded with photos and well wishes of the many people who are celebrating this. Our group chats in messenger and Whatsapp are the same, filled with photos and messages from friends and family enjoying Father's Day. Days such as this can be triggering for my husband and I, and I'm sure lots of other people too, though we don't seem to know many others with similar circumstances to us! Our family and friends have mostly succeeded in acquiring the partner, the home, and the family, but it hasn't quite worked out that way for us.
We always thought we would have children. It was a big part of us sharing a life together. We both wanted to be parents, we talked about 'when we have kids', a lot, and we tried. We experienced multiple miscarriage, investigations, tests, exploratory surgery. It was only recently that we found out there is nothing physically wrong with either of us! Rather a genetic mismatch between us that has been causing the problems. Had we chosen different partners we would likely have had no issues at all! Life may have been very different for both of us. But would different mean better? Who knows! On the bright side, what I do now know is, it is not my fault! I used to get so angry with my body for failing us and not doing what a woman's body is supposed to be able to do. It has been nice to put down the weight of that guilt.
We have spoken over the years about parting ways so that we might enjoy the experience of raising our own biological children with other people. But nothing is that simple, is it?
We have lived 17 years of life together and been through so much. We know each other well, we are bonded, our lives are entwined, we have a shared history, we are family. To not be together anymore, to separate our lives, we know would be devastatingly painful, and yet staying together brings a certain amount of grief with it as well. The loss of the family that we wanted and will never have. The loss of the life we thought we would live. The loss of the dream that we set out to achieve. Feeling like the 'odd ones out' in our circles. All of those things suck!
Having said that, we are not naïve enough to believe that having a child means living happily ever after. We have seen friends who have children with serious medical and mental health issues, and the strain that it has taken on them. I have worked with difficult children, and have seen the toll that takes on their parents. Some days I have been grateful that is not my life.
We know we are fortunate because we have many other blessings. Even though celebration days such as today, that highlight what we don't have, and are not, can be tricky, we have decided that our life together will be great despite the fact that it hasn't worked out the way we had planned! We will focus on meaningful experiences, rich relationships, and all that we do have. We will strive to make a positive difference in the lives of others.
So why did I write this? For the first time ever today, my husband expressed his own pain about all of this to me. I have been walking a grief journey for awhile. I was proud of him to be able to articulate it and share with me how he was feeling. He has not always been able to do that. I also wanted to give voice to it as I know we cannot be the only people in the world who feel like this. If you are living a life that is outside of the norm, I want you to know that we understand how ostracising, lonely, and triggering that can be. We would love to have more people like us in our life, to create a sense of belonging and to normalise our own experience. Though we know we are loved and valued, it is challenging feeling like the odd ones out at social events and gatherings.
Celebration days can be hard for many different reasons. When it comes down to it, we know little really, about the inner workings of another, and what they might be struggling with. Thankfully we do not have to navigate these things alone. There are many great practitioners out there to help. If you're struggling, reach out to someone. I wish I had sought help for this much earlier. It is a grief journey, and well worth seeking help to navigate.
Emma xx
ⓒEmma Jane @ Nurture For You 2022 - no portion of this post may be lifted, copied, quoted, reworked or reproduced without written permission from the author. I can be contacted at info@nurtureforyou.com to request such permission.
Comments